Purpose, relationships, oak trees and ink

some thoughts on conflict and why its so much harder than it needs to be

We’ve all heard this question “what would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?”. It’s an important question. One that opens doors to allow ourselves to consider our innermost desires. Maybe ones we dismissed along the way while life happened. It is an important question, but maybe a better one is why are we dismissing things in the first place? We can unearth our deepest desires all we want, but until we figure out what leads to such dismissal we will continue to create more work for ourselves.

I started off on a tangent there as purpose isn’t actually what I’m thinking about lately. I have found my purpose, which has changed me at my core. I feel fulfilled every day I get to put pen to paper. It makes me feel like a strong oak tree. While life throws hurdles at me and my branches sway, bend and break with the wind; I stay rooted as I deepen into my practice. In a world where we lack so much control it is a gift to have something you can get lost in. Ultimately though I have learned to agree with Esther Perel “that it is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives”.

Western culture seems to elevate purpose in career above all else. It pushes us towards this rugged individualism that I don’t think leaves us that happy. We strive to get to bed at the exact right hour so we can get to the gym on time so we can perform at work and achieve our dreams, while sacrificing the silliness, laughter and joy that comes from not taking yourself too seriously. There is a balance to all of that of course, but I wonder if the stress of performance robs of us really sweet tender moments as they get overpowered by our need for achievement. On our deathbed what moments will we remember?

For me, what I am realizing is more important than purpose is community. With community comes conflict. This is where my heads been at lately. If I want to build beautiful long lasting relationships then I need to become a conflict Jedi. Easier said than done. Conceptually, conflict is great. It’s an opportunity for honesty, validation, compassion, warmth, curiosity and repair.

In practice, it does not always feel that way, at least not when it counts most. I’ve come to a realization that my struggle with conflict isn’t really about the hurt someone cause me. It isn’t about the anger that someone had the audacity to wrong me or that they didn’t predict my needs. It’s easy to get stuck in righteousness, there’s nothing wrong with that emotion. It just can prevent us from finding what lies underneath. The more I experience that emotion the less interest I am in its shortsightedness. It’s not feeling irritated that somehow someone expected you to know that when they said they were going to the movie and that it wasn’t an invite but they were just telling you they were going… that it was in fact an invite. It isn’t that I am irritated by this guy at a cafe I did a drawing of who won’t stop talking to me despite my best effort to give one word answers and show in my body language all I want to do is draw. The anger and frustration is just the tip of the iceberg, and if we just take things at face value we risk losing out on so much transformation.

In any situation, we have feelings and under those feelings are more feelings. If those feelings could talk, I think they would actually say “I feel ashamed for having needs. I want to be easy going about everything. I don’t ever want you to affect me. I don’t want to need anything from you. I want to be able to handle everything all by myself AND I am scared. I know that none of that is possible and I am freaking the fuck out”.

So to me what I think is a more important question in life is not what would you attempt if you knew you could not fail, but how would you behave and communicate if you had profound reverence for your emotions instead of the unconscious layer of shaming we paint over them? How could a deep acceptance for our emotions change how we relate to others? It seems like it would bring more ease into our lives and allow for more fulfilling relationships filled with silliness, warmth, curiosity, and repair instead of nervous system disregulation.

I hope you all make time to do anything but take yourself seriously this week and enjoy time with loved ones. Thank you for reading to the end, and for all of you who pay to support this newsletter :).